Here’s my two cents as a parent. I recognize that every family has their own values; following is what worked for us.
When I was in grade school, I remember asking my mum to come to school for some reason–some slight that I felt or problem that I had. My mother’s response was, “I’m not fighting your battles for you. Go figure it out.”
I’ve been doing just that my entire life. She empowered me. In her message she was also saying, “you can do this. I trust you to do this.” She wasn’t oblivious, the poor woman listened to me talk endlessly about every aspect of my day BUT she expected me to handle my own stuff. I believe I’m a strong, courageous, independent thinker because of her.
We therefore raised our two children in precisely the same way and they too are strong, courageous, independent thinkers.
Yes, there are times when parents need to get involved and ask questions, particularly if it’s a situation where the problem is with one of the adults in the system. And if a child truly doesn’t have the resources to handle a problem on his or her own, we need to work together to support and strengthen that child’s strategies. As a school district we also work hard to monitor behavior and correct when necessary, with a litany of progressive discipline as needed. We listen to both sides. We ignore nothing.
Sometimes parents show their children love by saying, “I’ve got this! I will fight for you! No one is going to talk/do this to you!” I’m suggesting that we strengthen our kids by talking problems through with them, offering suggestions and empowering them to handle the problems themselves.
I wonder if I had fought every battle for our two kids, would they be the independent, capable adults who they are today? Believing in their ability to problem solve worked. I’m still listening to them and offering suggestions, then knowing they’ll do the right things and make good decisions. The greatest accomplishment of my life is right there, in those two strong, courageous adults.